sick sick sick.

I just feel so stressed at the minute and I don't want to be.
It may be selfish but I am so happy right now and I can feel the depressive crap starting again.

The past week has been fantastic. He's changed so much and to be honest I couldn't be happier.
I love him so freaking much and I was scared I'd lost him, but he pulled it round. He's changed, he's so kind and considerate and thoughtful.

And then the stress of college, of friends, just seems to make that go away again.

He has his uni interview tomorrow, I hope it goes well.

hm.. not much to say really.

Just stressed, pissed off. I could be doing without this shit right now.

I wish things would change.

fucking horoscopes.

"Significant change is brought about rapidly and unexpectedly in the relationship between your and your possible love interest."

"The Tower represents an explosive charge that is unplanned and uncontrollable but presents a brilliant opportunity for transformation in your forthcoming relationship. Because of circumstances beyond your control, you may have no choice."

"The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time."

hohum.

tireddd.

Well I'm writing this to shut Lora up.

I'm tired, and I want to go to bed, I have a awesome new teddy which is fluffy and a bear and huge and I want to hug him and fall asleep cuddling him. yes?

Today was funny with scott, though I think maybe I was a tad harsh?
Oh well.
He deserves it.

My eyes actually STING they are so tired and I have no make up on, and theres a stupid programme on my tv but I'm too lazy to fetch the remote to turn it off.

Ughhh.

Can't wait for tomorrow though.

Loradoracorser you better entertain me on the bus as I get bored very easily.

.. tbh i'm just thankful I'm not next to Jess T. Not that I would mind with what's gone off recently, though she is.. boring. And I don't know how long I could keep up a conversation about food? (phahaha that made me laugh this morning)

I want a drink.
I'm going to fetch one.

Back with a huge cup of milk. I'm happy.

I've been on the west mids shop page and theres this adorable bear plushie I may have to get it.. though I have way too many teddies it's unreal. we'll see.

hmm.
sleepy time I think..
x

Well..

I don't even know what to say anymore. I guess I feel like I've fucked everything up.
I thought I was feeling better, I enjoyed my holiday.. to be honest it was so nice to get away from everything.

Sure I missed people, but it was great to just not have any worries, no sadness, no anxiety. I could just enjoy each day as it came and actually have a geniune smile on my face.

I make so many people miserable, and at the start I do what I think is right.. I try to do whats best for everyone and just end up fucking things up.

I'm not happy, I'm not a good person, I'm not wanting to be here any more.

I guess being back at home brought it back to me and made me realise, so I guess in a way thankyou, for getting my head out of the clouds.

I hate me.

Day 3 Las Fallas.

Well I suppose I´'ll carry on from last night. After I'd finished on the tintiweb we went on the underground to find a curry place we went to a previous year. Though aftwer following one of the groups directions we ended up going a ridiculous way round and were walking for 2 hours..

Anyway, we went there and found a mascleta near a bar and had quite a few drinks, though at a fiver for a vodka and coke I was like.. you're serious? but I suppose you have to splurge out on holiday.

After that we walked down to the river bed to watch the big display. It may possibly have been the biggest display I have ever seen, much bigger than anything you see in the UK as they have different laws here etc.

The display wasnt till 1 am so it was getting pretty late, though I had my 'second wind' as such and woke up around 12 so me and Randy decided to go to the street party which was awesome.

It was soo funny seeing spanish people singing along to Katy Perry's 'I kissed a girl', and people seemed quite impressed that we knew all the words..assuming they thought we were spanish too? I'm guessing.

Ended up getting quite drunk and getting back at around 4.20.. Thankfully the party stopped at 4.30 so the music ended though it was still very loud till around 5-5.30 and STILL got woken up at 7.30 by the parade and the salutes. (salutes are just ridiculously loud bang fireworks..)

Managed to drift back off till around 11, then got up for a shower.. MY GOD, whilst I was in the bathroom getting ready a man came in for a shower and all I could hear was him burpìng and farting the whole time, it was so, so gross. Needless to say I made a hasty exit and got ready in the room.

Oooh they're playing portishead. woop :)

So today, we went for a walk round and me and my mom had a look round some markets.. I got myself a new purse and a couple more bracelets so I'm happy. We watched a mascleta and then headed down to the river bed, on the way calling past a firework shop and picking up quite a few bits. ;)

Here you can just throw fireworks in the street. They really have no laws about it. There are so many children in push chairs sat with a lighter in one hand and a firework in the other, though I suppose they're brought up with it so it's not too bad?

Though thinking about how people would react in the UK if anyone did anything like that, there'd be hell. I think thats part of the reason why i enjoy the festival so much. It's just incredible.

On the way back we got SO stuck in the parades.. The fallas girls really make me laugh with their strange dresses and the head pieces. Here's a pic so you get what I mean ->

Though the parade today there were thousands of them!

We got back and decided to go out and get some mroe booze and a kebab and Í've just come down off the terrace from having munch and a drink.

I¡m not sure what we're doing tonight though I'll update tomorrow with what I do tonight/tomorrow. Tomorrow is nit de foc, which means night of fire..They burn all the ninots and have a fire parade which is just... incredible. I'll be sure to get some photos that I can upload when I get home.

And to Ali; I hope you can come next year. It´s alot of walking and a fair amount of waiting around for displays and mascletas though you just stand around drinking and chatting so it's not bad. It'd be awesome for you to come, and so that we can spend some geniune time together. I miss you lots. :)

Anyways, Love you Ali & Lora ♥♥

Day 2 Las Fallas.

Well it's 6.25 here, going back out at 7. I´t's only a hour infront of england, but oooohhhh im in the future, hahahaha. :)

Well last night we went out and I didnt end up staying out till late cause I was sosososos tired it was unreal.

I met 2 girls in the hotel called Amanda and Randy-lee. (yes, actually true, i found it bloody hilarious)So, I went out to the shop with them to buy some booze and then they tagged along with us when we went out for some tea and then had a look around..

It got to like midnight, bearing in mind the huge firework display they have here every night doesnt start till one but I wasd just too tired so I had to go back, so me and amanda headed back.
Literally outside the hotel theres a MASSIVE white tent where they have street parties every night.. thankfully its the same stuff thats in the charts in england, though till 5am this morning the music was so loud it was as if it was in the next room on a mega phone.

THEN. at fucking 7.30 the marching bands started and fireworks started.. ridiculous if you ask me though I plan to be that drunk tonight that I will sleep through anything.

So today.. finally got out of the hotel about 11.30 and decided it was too late for brekkie so we had a mc D's instead.. living in style! Then we had a walk around for a bit and found a mascleta. These are basically sound displays.. they arent meant to be pretty, they just make your ears feel like they´re about to bleed they are that loud haha. :) here´s a photo for help *points to the left*, thats one set up, all the fireworks are linked and it just goes crazy.

Then we trekked around for a bit and then went down to the riverbed for a drink.. Me and my mom wanted to have a look around the shops so we wandered off towards the hotel and stopped at a few.

I bought myself a couple of tops and a bracelet.. I think we´re going to find different markets tomorrow and have a better look around.

Its hard to explain what a ninot is... so here´s a few photos, bearing in mind that some are only around 6 foot tall, others are like... as tall as big ben. They´re so incredible. They burn them all on the last night and as soon as the festival is over they begin to make new ones. There's over 700 around valencia... that's alot of work!

These photos arent mine but im too lazy to upload mine till I get back off holiday.. though you get the idea.

I'm missing people lots already, I hate not being able to text or call or see people ):

Though having an amazing time so it's all good and I cant wait till I go to Poland on monday.

Anyway, Í'll update tomorrow, this was just for Ali and Lora to read, I miss you two lots and I'll speak to you soon. (: love you xxx

Well that's great.

Went to the doctors today, was feeling awful as I went out to the pub last night and got way too drunk for my own good. Woke up this morning with a pool of blood in the bath and all down the side but no idea where it came from? worrying..

So, I dragged myself to the doctors, which put me in a worse mood as I fucking hate doctors, sitting there in the waiting room whilst everyones looking at you like 'oh whats she here for'. I know I was just being paranoid but I hate.hate.hate. doctors.

It was the same doctor who a while ago saw my chest and didnt say another word for the whole appointment, other than 'take this prescription to the pharmacy', and have me the filthiest look I've ever recieved.

He didn't have much to say really. I told him how I was feeling. I told him that it was different to how it's ever been before. That my head feels twisted, I feel numb and like I'm slowly going crazy.

It's such a strange feeling.. but I actually feel as though Im going crazy. I don't like it, at all.

I spoke for about ten minutes which I was fucking proud of because I'm not good at talking to people face to face about things. Then all he fucking said to me was that he was going to put me on the waiting list to go back to Marsden street,

I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO TO MARSDEN STREET. IVE BEEN BEFORE. IT DOESNT HELP.

I explained this to him, and all he said was to give it a go.
fuck off. fuck right off.

I suppose im going to go. Just to make the effort. But talking about things doesnt help at all for me.

what am I supposed to say?

Uh,i feel like im going crazy? yeah. what a great amount of progress that's going to make. what the fuck.

Anyway, I'm not feeling any better yet. I didn't go to work experience today..again. I really can't face going but if I don't I'm going to be in so much trouble with college? I don't know what to do.

I just want to sit, and do nothing.. I don't want to see anyone, or do anything.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.